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Cyanide Please 5/5/2007
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she
needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her
husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
"Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to
kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll
throw both of us in ...
3 Comments, 185 Views,
28 Votes
,4.47 Score
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Monastery Secrets 5/5/2007
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, my
car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even
fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound
was, but they say, We can't tell ...
2 Comments, 68 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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Drunks 5/2/2007
A minister went down to the corner bar and would talk to people
as they came out- "Brother, Do you want to go to heaven?
Sister, do you want to go to heaven? Step right over here."
One particularly drunk man staggered out of the bar. "Brother,
Do you want to go to heaven? "
the minster asked. The drunk looked at him for a bit, then
said "No!"
The minister, ...
2 Comments, 172 Views,
20 Votes
,5.55 Score
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Things not to say on a date 4/27/2007
"I really don't like this restaurant that much,
but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs
on you."
"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't
hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past ...
7 Comments, 234 Views,
19 Votes
,3.65 Score
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Germination 4/19/2007
Sooo... I was teaching the busy 9 year old boy about the life
cycle of a plant. We covered the parts of the plant, pollination
and seeds. It seemed like he was listening but he kept bouncing
around and interrupting me.
We had a book and some seeds and dirt. The object was to understand
the process and then observe it. As I stood there with the
seeds in my hand, I explained that seeds develop ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score
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Science has replaced God? 4/19/2007
The scientific community decided that with all the advances
in science and medicine, God was no longer needed. So, a
representative was sent to inform God that His services
were no longer needed.
At the meeting the rep explained to God that with the advancement
of medicine and the sciences ( test tube babies, cloning,
etc) God was free to remove His services from this earth.
God took ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
15 Votes
,4.97 Score
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That 's a true story ? You are pulling my leg ! ! 2/16/2007
When God speaks ! ! ! !
A friend of mine, Bloomberg, has a . He wanted him to be
a good Jew. That was more important than anything else.
In order to give him the best teaching, he sent his to
Isreal. Three months later, the came back and to Blommbegr's
disapointment, he became a CHRISTIAN. My friend was deeply
embarassed each time he sees his Jewish friends. Secretly
he contacted ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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Rules If You Wish To Date My Or Granddaughter 2/14/2007
Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for
boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take
this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots.
Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will
not object.
However, to ensure ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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A SHALL LEAD THEM 1/29/2007
"While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's
office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into
the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the
man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I
should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know
how you feel. ...
4 Comments, 212 Views,
32 Votes
,5.11 Score
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The imperative of humour in a relationship 1/26/2007
It's amazing how we are programmed not to use humour
in our workplace and in our general relationships not to
mention our love lives.
Recently I spoke with one of my two sons who is about to study
law in university. He tells me that the law society in Vancouver
sponsored a full day workshop for budding lawyers in an
effort to get the to realize the importance of humour. A
wealthy ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
11 Votes
,2.98 Score
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ATtitUDE 1/14/2007
Attitude - Elephant and Leo The Lion
Leo was a lion and wanted everyone to know he was King of the
Jungle. So he went through the jungle reminding everyone
just who he was.
He came upon a monkey and asked him "Who is the greatest
in the jungle?"
The monkey, trembling in fear replied, "Why, you
are Leo. You are the great sovereign of the jungle."
...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Adding weight 1/14/2007
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed
she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little
weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas, " Sister Susan
explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained
even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister
Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, ...
1 Comments, 125 Views,
14 Votes
,4.58 Score
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Diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D 1/14/2007
Diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D
I received this message this morning. Don't this sound
a little normal to most of us?
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. . -AGE ACTIVATED
Attention Deficit Disorder.This is how it develops: I
decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start ...
1 Comments, 98 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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The pastors 1/14/2007
The pastor answered a knock at the door to find a man from
his congregation had car trouble nearby. The man asked
if he could borrow his car, but the pastor said, "it
is not here but you can borrow my ". The pastor
explained that the was trained to go on the command
"praise God" and to stop on the command "halleluiah".
The man was galloping along straight toward a cliff edge
and tried to ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
17 Votes
,4.82 Score
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A Great Prayer 1/14/2007
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut
us off in traffic last night is a single father who worked
nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help
with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments
with his .
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested
young man who can't make change correctly is a worried
19-year-old ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
11 Votes
,5.04 Score
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A conversation between God and Adam 12/30/2006
Not original with me, sorry if you have heard it
One day God and Adam were walking in the garden in the cool
of the day. God asks Adam, "well Adam, how do you like
Eve?"
Adam replies " well Lord, she sure is beautiful"
And God replied, "that is so you would love her".
then Adam said, and you made her so sweet and loving";
and God said, "that is so you would love her my ".
Adam then ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
13 Votes
,4.65 Score
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No-Parking Zone (humor) 12/30/2006
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find
a space with a meter.
<br>
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't
park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."
<br>
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer ...
1 Comments, 961 Views,
111 Votes
,6.41 Score
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Single Mom's ... telephones ... 12/23/2006
I was driving my on a short out of town trip today
when I got a call from a really nice single guy. We were just
talking about how our days were going when ... thank God
he already knows alot about my family ... my , (who has
a voice that can erase your voice mail messages if he talks
while you are checking them) says (OK yells) to his sister,
laughing hysterically, "Remember when I burped ...
2 Comments, 118 Views,
14 Votes
,2.98 Score
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Men are like chickens....... 12/12/2006
the hotter you get them, the tougher they
get. But if you warm them up slowly, they get all tender.
Just a little friendly advice in trying to influence men,
ladies.  ...
1 Comments, 123 Views,
11 Votes
,4.29 Score
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another oldie 12/9/2006
There was a very fine upstanding christian man, who fervently
believed god with his whole heart. After days of rain, the
flood waters got very high around his house, and he had to
move up to the 2nd floor. The waters rose higher still, and
soon he was on the roof. He kept telling himself that there
was no need to worry, because God was faith-full, and would
save him. Soon, a couple of ...
3 Comments, 73 Views,
13 Votes
,2.98 Score
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Some Random Thoughts 12/9/2006
I saw a sign in the parking lot which read, "PEDESTRIANS
ONLY". Just who are these people and where the heck
is Pedestria?
It isn't vote fraud unless you can prove those dead
guys would have voted the other way.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
A person who smiles in the face of ...
1 Comments, 14 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Old Age 12/7/2006
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of
the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be ...
6 Comments, 163 Views,
16 Votes
,3.42 Score
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Best Friends... 11/30/2006
Diamonds are a girl's best friend!
A man's best friend is his dog!
That about explains the difference right there......
3 Comments, 122 Views,
6 Votes
,1.94 Score
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A theory of creation 11/28/2006
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule,
working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads
on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence.
You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years
is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it
was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold ...
4 Comments, 94 Views,
13 Votes
,5.83 Score
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Viewing the painting 11/28/2006
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look
at their reserve, their calm, " muses the Brit. "They
must be British."
"Nonsense, " the Frenchman disagrees. "They're
naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter, " the Russian points
out, "they have only an apple to eat, and ...
1 Comments, 165 Views,
23 Votes
,4.53 Score
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A small sevice in church 11/28/2006
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church
one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's
sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but
please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity ...
4 Comments, 248 Views,
33 Votes
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Sometimes I Just Don't Understand Anymore 11/26/2006
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws
the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this
a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
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The businessman and the Pope 11/25/2006
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the
Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's
prayer from "give us this day our daily bread"
to "give us this day our daily chicken." and
KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time
with a 50 million dollar offer. Again ...
1 Comments, 63 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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Life in the old yet 11/25/2006
This elderly couple is watching one of those television
preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera,
and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share
my healing powers with everyone watching this program.
Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the
part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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behold i come quickly. 11/19/2006
During one sunday service, a pastor started preaching
a message entitled the coming of the lord, and during the
course of the sermon, he forgot his words and said behold
i come quickly, and he stopped, after noticing a woman
sleeping in the front pew.so he started at the same line
for the second time and said behold i come quickly, and
again noticing the woman in the front pew with her head ...
2 Comments, 94 Views,
13 Votes
,2.14 Score
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