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BACK SEAT COOK 10/12/2007
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter!
Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many!
Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God!
Where are we going to get more butter? They're going
to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You
never ...
5 Comments, 567 Views,
67 Votes
,5.17 Score
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Husband Vs. Wife 10/12/2007
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep, " the wife replied, "In-laws."
2 Comments, 32 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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A Love Story 10/12/2007
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When
she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did
you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked
her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail
then." ...
3 Comments, 51 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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It Pays Not To Complain 9/20/2007
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what
I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine
for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the ...
5 Comments, 34 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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Dr's Visit 8/26/2007
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping
on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you
have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?' The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I
don't care what you think. I just came from having a
mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, ...
1 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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CHRISTIAN PICK - UP LINES........... 8/19/2007
1. Nice bible"
2. "I would like to pray with you"
3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"
4. "God told me to come talk to you"
5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"
6. "How about a hug, sister?"
7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks
heavy."
8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians
gotta hug!"
9. "Oh, you're ...
1 Comments, 22 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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A -in-law's Revenge 8/6/2007
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that
they couldn't graft any skin from his body because
he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However,
the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they ...
2 Comments, 36 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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FOR WOMEN ONLY 8/6/2007
A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a five-story
hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to
go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how
it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor,
and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide, since each ...
6 Comments, 383 Views,
31 Votes
,4.97 Score
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The Ten Commandments of Marriage 8/4/2007
Commandment 1.Marriages are made in heaven. But, so again,
are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand and divorce is at least
100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the
first year of marriage, the man speaks and the ...
6 Comments, 141 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score
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Will The Real Bride Please Stand Up! 7/31/2007
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my , "
said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY , " said
the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword, " said Solomon,
"and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall
receive a half." "Sounds good to me, " ...
2 Comments, 39 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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Quality, not Quantity 7/27/2007
A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St.
Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
"Come with me, " said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter
to a mansion, complete with servents, a bowling alley, a
nd an Olympic size swimming pool. "This is your home
for eternity, " St. Peter told the taxi ...
0 Comments, 1009 Views,
351 Votes
,6.81 Score
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Tonight's Funny For You, Not Appropriate For All 7/22/2007
This is apparently a true story which occurred very recently
in the Telecom Call Centre in Lower Hutt. The Operative
received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific
Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance.
The call went like this:
Telecom How may we help you?
Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife,
she think I haffing an ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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Exercise: To Heck With It! 7/22/2007
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the
heck she is.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could
hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show
up.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain ...
1 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Two Old Guys 7/22/2007
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart When
they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's
a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, ...
1 Comments, 26 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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A Letter To Dad 7/22/2007
Dear Dad: In answer to the questions you have asked over the years:
1. Yes, I thought we owned the electric company. 2. I don't know what the heck I thought I was doing. 3. Yes, I actually did think you were made of money.
Happy Fathers Day, Your
2 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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On The Lighter Side 7/22/2007
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather
sad. She told her mother, "roger proposed to me an
hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her
mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied,
"Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll
show him just how wrong he is."
2 Comments, 253 Views,
24 Votes
,4.04 Score
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Makin' Friends 7/13/2007
I just can't seem to make friends, no matter how hard
I try and be myself nothings working. I mean what, do I smell?
Even if I did it's not like anyone over the internet
can smell it. Unless they have come out with a smell cam that
I don't know about. Well what ever it is I hope It changes
soon cause I can only luagh at myself for so long before it
just gets sad.
1 Comments, 178 Views,
26 Votes
,0.22 Score
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Take your pick, Heaven or Hell 7/8/2007
A politician died and was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
St Peter said, I am not sure what to do with you as we don't
normally get your kind here. Is heaven where you want to
spend eternity?" The politician asked "What
are my options?" St.Peter told him if he wanted he
could spend a day in heaven and a day in hell and then decide
were he would rather go. So the politician took him up ...
1 Comments, 224 Views,
27 Votes
,5.13 Score
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Just A Weeeeeee Bit 7/8/2007
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility
to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful
beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect
woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for ...
3 Comments, 215 Views,
17 Votes
,5.81 Score
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women rulers 7/8/2007
One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all
living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone
went to heaven. God approaches and says, "I want the
men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their
women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled
by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
...
2 Comments, 250 Views,
25 Votes
,6.45 Score
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HE-BREWS... 7/7/2007
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just
wait for my coffee." Wife replies, ...
3 Comments, 173 Views,
22 Votes
,4.69 Score
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Young priest 6/21/2007
A young preast was speaking for the first time in church,
His teacher was listening carefully, looking a bit concernd
time to time. Finally, the young preast came to his teacher
gloving of pride. "It went great..right"?
"Well my ..it was good, but let me correct few things
here. First, Jesus was not shot, allright ? second, it is
AMEN not cheers. For the third, i suggest you walk the stairs
down, ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
9 Votes
,2.78 Score
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Starting, Stopping, and Starting Over 6/9/2007
It's funny when you think about what we go through to
find a connection with someone. If we desire to find a person,
we don't find them. If we don't want someone in
our life at a particular moment in time, there is an abundance
of people who want to go out with us. So when we don't
look we find and this seems to run contrary to Seek Ye First...or
does it?
What I have started to ...
2 Comments, 114 Views,
12 Votes
,5.98 Score
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Is this what I have to look forward to? 6/8/2007
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well
looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to ...
3 Comments, 105 Views,
16 Votes
,3.86 Score
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Sailor and the Pirate 6/8/2007
The sailor & the pirate
.
This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't
help but notice that the pirate was pretty badly - the worse
for wear. He's had a peg leg, and a hook, and an eye patch.
So the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg and the
pirate answered, "Well, matey, I got washed overboard
one night while we was in a fierce storm. An' ...
2 Comments, 139 Views,
21 Votes
,5.48 Score
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Teeth 6/8/2007
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other
customers began to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected
with the ...
2 Comments, 263 Views,
30 Votes
,5.79 Score
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The Bitter Truth 5/14/2007
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what
it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from
.
It's a very strange name they picked for "Social
Security." For what they actually send you, you can't
afford to be "social" nor can you really feel
"secure."
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you
ever seen a man get on a bus ahead ...
2 Comments, 72 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score
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Revenge 5/13/2007
A sourcerer walked across the bridge of seven blacksmithstatues
and thought "what good deed would i do today".
She looked at the seven statues and got it ! "those
poor guys have been standing there for 300 years..i think
they deserve a day off". So she did her magick and poof..seven
guys got running in all directions. Sourcerer wondered
what they might do first, after standing still for so long ...
1 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Flying Blind 5/10/2007
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles ...
2 Comments, 214 Views,
23 Votes
,5.23 Score
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JESUS BUMPER STICKER 5/9/2007
JESUS BUMPER STICKER
The other day I went to the local religious book store and
I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm
really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord, ...
5 Comments, 231 Views,
20 Votes
,4.53 Score
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